Today was a terrible day. I screamed at my kids, threw a bottle across the kitchen, and oh, yeah, Christmas is this weekend. Merry Christmas, Y’all. Don’t you just love the joyous holiday season?
I know Christmas is the season of Baby Jesus, devotionals about Mary’s obedience and faith, wisemen and mangers, holly and lights, acoustic renditions of Silent Night…. But I woke up today NOT feeling it. I felt like a failure on so many fronts, and my kids were out to destroy my last ounce of sanity before 10am. I hadn’t showered in several days, the dang Arctic weather headed our way meant I need to prep my house (I hate cold weather, by the way), and the kids….. well, welcome to my holiday nightmare.
“Bah! Humbug!”
-Ebenezer Scrooge
Alone at home with my kids, I am frustrated, tired, overwhelmed, overstimulated, under-appreciated, fearful, and I am quick to lash out or shut down. This is not who God intended me to be. This is not who I want to be. I don’t reach for my Bible, I reach for my phone. I don’t pray, I scroll. I don’t listen, I yell. I don’t feel joy, because I isolate and numb. I look around my house and see all the ways I don’t measure up, or how other people let me down, or all the failures I perceive, and I stop looking to Jesus. And the next thing I know, I am throwing plastic bottles across the kitchen, or screaming and threatening the dogs for bringing mud onto the couch. I said I was forgiven, not fixed, y’all. I still make impressively bad decisions, and have a ton of baggage from my past that I have to address. But I also know life is good today. Like, my life is so completely different than anything I ever imagined, but I am finally catching glimpses of what God has planned for me. I have seen His grace and mercy, and I am starting to walk in His love for me.
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
Romans 8:28 NLT
We ventured out to run errands because I needed to be in public, lest I harm a child (or get hoarse from yelling). I needed a new perspective, so I turned my thoughts to Jesus, prayed for guidance, and then followed the Spirit.
First, we dropped off a bag of Christmas gifts for a family I accidentally adopted for Christmas (that’s a whole other story of God blessing my fumbling attempts). Good start, Jesus. How can I build on this momentum? I had two $20 bills with me, and decided to let each child pick someone to bless with $20 for Christmas. We walked into Walmart on a mission to spread love.
We discussed game plans and tactics for choosing someone to bless. Rae said she definitely wanted someone in a wheelchair, or that uses crutches. Definitely looking for someone with a physical ailment. Ok, kid, you are truly looking skin deep. But hey, let’s work with it. No sooner do we turn the first aisle, but we spot a paraplegic man with a child about Rae’s size shopping together. *Facepalm* Yep. She was ecstatic. Her nerves almost got the better of her, but Operation “Rae’s Christmas Blessing” was a success.
As we cruised the aisles, dodging carts and old ladies, I practiced my best public parenting skills. That’s hard to do at Walmart in Central Texas 3 days before Christmas. Y’all, these children are half-feral. “Oh God, these kids,” I said to myself. Nope! Try again. “Oh, God, thank You for these kids you gave me.” Come on, there’s more here. Find it. “I am surrounded by a family that You have given me, who loves me unconditionally. Thank you, Oh my God. You have given me the desires of my heart.”
“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.”
Also, I totally only thought of that last line and this verse during my final edit. I’m not that mature yet in my walk with Jesus.
Psalms 37:4 NLT
Rather than yell at the kids to move, I taught them about how to drive in heavy traffic, sometimes speaking loudly enough that someone else would snicker or comment. “Ok, kids, look both ways before venturing across this aisle. This is like entering the the freeway, so just walk quickly and don’t stop in the middle of the road.” Giggles. “Can you teach a class for me?” “I’m just glad someone is bothering to teach them how to behave.” “You are doing a great job, Mom!” Wait, what?
What had started happening here? Turns out, the more I leaned into Jesus, tried to be more like him, tried to love my children like He does, the easier it had become to stay in that moment. I was relaxed in chaos, focused on navigating the store with laughter and grace for those around me. With grace for my children…even myself. I travel with a small entourage, and we do our best to keep the caravan tight, but sometimes they forget I am the navigator, and wander off a bit with a basket or a stroller. “Y’all! Park the stroller with the handsy toddler in it away from the snow globes, please!” God honored my choice to bless others and not give up on my day by giving me laughter and grace. Is this the “peace beyond understanding” thing?
“Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.”
Philippians 4:8-9
We turned a corner and ran into one of my favorite people. My real-talk friend, who speaks God’s truth into my life, calls out the lies I tell myself, encourages me, and doesn’t flinch when I cuss or shy away when I confess my mistakes. We both know a bit about white-trash histories, fighting for positive changes, and that mental health is a real struggle, no matter how much you love Jesus. I have the best friends, y’all. I spent the next few minutes laughing at the absurdity of my behavior, regaling her with stories of chaos and bad parenting choices of the day, but finished it with the story of changing our perspective to focus on Jesus and how Weston still was looking for the person he wanted to bless.
As I got to the part of the story about Weston, I turned and caught his eye. Immediately, I felt the Holy Spirit had connected us for this moment, as Weston quickly nodded wordlessly, and gave our friends his blessing of $20, a round of hugs and misty-eyes included. He had intended to bless someone that “looked like they were having an emotional time.” His heart aches for the broken hearted, and he is at his best when he can make someone else smile. He has a pure kindness in his heart that is God-given, and my goal is not to crush that. He chose our very good friends, because he wanted to bless the busy mama with her own mistakes and worries and fears. The mama who had her own troupe of wild kids circling her like a whirlwind, with a shopping list, messy bun, and her own mission. He blessed a family that looked a bit his own, I suppose.
My shopping trip coming to a close, Weston points out my OTHER BEST GIRLFRIEND up ahead. I’m not kidding when I say I have known them both close to two years now, and I have never run into either of them at Walmart before now. She had a mission too- get her parents into and out of that store as fast as humanly possible. Her week with family was just ramping up, and I was reminded by God to recognize her weight may look different, but it is every bit as heavy as mine. She brings me the peace of God just by speaking to me, and shines light and love into dark pieces of me that I show her. She makes me want to do better as a mother and a wife, and her desire for relationship with Jesus is beautiful. She is what a mature Christian looks like in my life. God gave me a gift by putting her literally in front of me today, a reminder of what friendship and community is for in my life.
Today, I had to apologize to my children and my husband for my behavior, and tomorrow I will likely have to again. But, I also saw today God’s hand at work in my life. My small act of honoring Him by blessing two strangers was immediately magnified and given back to me as a blessing by seeing my two friends (and Jesus) during my crazed holiday outing.
“Jesus is the Reason for the Season”
This line is both a source of eye-rolling cheesiness, and a focused mantra for me. I have seen first-hand the tiny miracles (I used to call them weird coincidences) that happen when I make Jesus the reason for all I do. When my mental health starts getting the better of me, when I am overwhelmed and overstimulated and looking for relief, I have to remember that Jesus is the reason for where I am today, and where I am going. If I start giving in to my own inner monologue, I’m going to be left standing alone, with the remnants of my ruined relationships burning around me (If that sounds dramatic, you don’t know how capable I am of destroying my own life). I chose Jesus. I chose to listen to the Holy Spirit, and I must continue to choose to listen for the Holy Spirit to help me navigate my life.
Christmas with me in charge versus with Christ in me this Christmas.
Chelsea Finds Jesus 
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