Can I be honest? I hate journaling. When someone first suggested journaling to me, many many moons ago, I cringed. I resisted. In fact, I had a counselor force me to journal daily and then had me read aloud and discuss it with her once a week. It was awful. Our entire therapeutic relationship was affected by this forced commitment to writing. At least, that’s what I thought it was about. Turns out, I was wrong.
Journaling, it turns out, required me to put words to feelings and to revisit events that I would rather forget about. I have a range of emotions that include anger, despair, elation…. In fact, my reaction to various situations have been inappropriate, dramatic, incongruent with the situation, and emotionally volatile at unexpected moments. And when these moments are past, I do not relish the idea of putting it all on paper. It felt like I was having to testify against myself in court.
I have an issue with willfulness. No. That’s not exactly right. It would be more accurate to say that I am shackled to myself. No matter what happens in my life, there I am. DWI? There’s Chelsea. Uncontrollable anger and tantrums? There’s Chelsea again. Impulse purchases that have to be hidden, returned, or regretted? Definitely will find Chelsea there, making her own decisions, not letting anybody tell her what to do. In fact, if I examine most of my life, it has been willful decisions focused on my own desires that propelled my trajectory in life to a point that I nearly lost everything. But I found Jesus there, and as it turns out, no matter where I am, there “I AM” is as well.
“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”
Isaiah 41:10 NLT
So, journaling isn’t for me. It’s a decision to be obedient to God and document how He is moving in my life and changing who I am, and to give me perspective as I look back on this new life in Christ. God has given me a new life today that is worthy of keeping record. If I had journaled through all those years of heartache and terrible decisions, I would have nothing today but stacks of paper disappointments available to destroy any chance for joy.
My husband is an avid journalist, and we started attending a ministry gathering each week for Cultivate Relationships* that encourages writing in your relationship with God, so I quietly started keeping notes on my phone when I had a Holy Spirit Moment (that’s not Copyrighted yet, but I claim it) and got a small notebook for Church sermons. Still, I’m no “Dear Diary” girl. Fleeting thoughts, single sentences of revelation, an image that flashed in my head. But like my personal encounters with the Holy Spirit, these writings have been sporadic, difficult to explain or recreate when I look back on them. I want more. I want consistency in my life, in my relationships, and I have to cultivate that in my relationship with God. I have to choose Him over me.
I made a decision to submit my life to Jesus, and I wrestle with myself daily to do that. I am willful, and I am loved. I fall short, and I am loved. I am selfish, and my Father God still loves me. But I also find that if I submit my will, God honors my obedience to Him. If I am generous, God blesses me with gifts in love. I see it in my life. And I want to keep record of His faithfulness in my life. I guess I am journaling for Jesus, y’all. Lord help me.
Chelsea Finds Jesus 
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