Intentional Intimacy. But not the kind with my husband.

First of all, I’m already uncomfortable even looking at this title. I just mean to say I have been conditioned by my personal life experiences to associate the word intimacy with sexual relationships, yet never to consider sex as the ultimate act of intimacy as a human. Turns out, at nearly 40 years old, with 4 kids, I had no clue what the word intimacy really meant. Or why I would crave it with people I would never want to see naked.

Ok, well. Maybe I did know one of the definitions of intimacy, but I definitely missed the boat when it came to having an intimate relationship with anyone outside my bedroom. And the first time I heard someone talk about an intimate relationship with Jesus, I cringed. No, more than that, I recoiled.

Accurate representation of my internal feelings when I heard about an intimate relationship with Jesus. That’s a big “Nope” from me.

Getting past the knee-jerk reaction took me several months of listening to people speak about the joy they found in choosing a personal relationship with God. I had to stop looking at God as this glorious all-powerful being that created the universe and then sat back to watch it play out. This was not a distant, unreachable spiritual being, but a Creator who designed me to be in connection with Him and with my fellow humans. This God, the one I am getting to know now, Abba Daddy, wants to know me. My good, good Father wants me to tell Him all my hopes and fears, cast all my anxieties on Him, be showered by His blessings, and give me peace beyond all understanding. Is there any more intimate relationship than that?

“You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.”‬‬
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭22‬:‭37‬-‭38‬ ‭NLT

And as I started building this relationship with a personal God, I began to see the effects spill over into the rest of my life. And I liked the feelings of intimacy that I was experiencing (but I would have described it as “hanging out with my small group, visiting with friends from church, surviving homeschool together”), and as I pursued these other relationships, it required me to be present and proactive (not my strongest abilities in past relationships). But I feel more and more connected to the Holy Spirit these days, and I am making a habit of texting or calling someone when they are suddenly in my thoughts. I trust that the Holy Spirit leads me in this, and I often feel compelled to encourage my friends. I love to give gifts that are perfectly suited to the person or the situation, and I get such enjoyment from seeing their reaction, their joy.

A couple weeks ago, I gave a dear friend a very practical gift, wrapped in coolness, with a side of snarky instructions. I stood there beaming as he thanked me, when the Holy Spirit hit me full-force with an encouraging word that brought me to tears instantly. “See? You are a good friend. You give good gifts. This is a gift from Me.” The intimacy of the moment was overwhelming, and I felt exposed and embarrassed (also kind of a common thread in my relationships), and I LITERALLY HID MY FACE INSIDE MY SHIRT because I couldn’t explain why I was suddenly crying.

Why am I so awkward?

God had just whispered a compliment in my ear. How do you say that out loud to another person? I chose in that moment to be vulnerable and told my friend exactly what I was feeling and what the Holy Spirit had spoken to me (Honestly, I knew if I didn’t blurt it all out immediately, I would never be able to talk about it at all). Explaining to your friend that you are a blubbering idiot because God just told you that you are a good friend…. Yep. That took intentional intimacy, even if I am only figuring that out now.

Here’s the part I have to keep in mind. I have to put in the work to see the results. Wait, what? Yep, just like in every other area of my life, if I want to see progress, I have to pursue it. (Which is why I don’t complain about my weight or pants size these days either. I know I have to see the inside of a gym regularly to touch my toes. I also know where I can buy slip-on shoes, soooo….) So. So?

So, take a minute today and pray for your friends. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you who to pray for if your list of people seems limited or limitless. Pray for them. Pray for them again tomorrow. And next week. Until it’s time to give them back to God and pray for someone else. And if you are like me, go ahead and send them a text that lets them know just how awkwardly you love them.

It’s fine. She already knows I’m awkward.

God is waiting for you to ask Him for anything, to trust Him with everything, to call out to Him in songs of worship or cry out in wordless groans (I can’t remember that verse right now, but it’s highlighted in my Bible. Got me through some ugly cries). There are plenty of verses with the same directive. Seek first the kingdom of God, right?

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6‬:‭33‬ ‭KJV‬‬
I feel like this may have been an unnecessary use of the KJV. I’m leaving it anyway.

Intentional Intimacy. Next time with my husband. Maybe.

I haven’t even begun to put words to what is happening in my marriage because I decided to practice intentional intimacy as often as I am aware of it. My husband brought up the subject of how healthy couples deal with resolving the “exes” issues and we ended up realizing this is a “sexes” issue and before we screwed up people of both sexes by offering up terrible advice, we ought to sit back and consider our own marriage and what we did well and what we should have done differently. (Turns out, I am not currently prepared to deal with that kind of freedom, and I am still holding onto a lot of tangled feelings.) So, I suppose I will have to wait to write about intimacy with my husband until I learn how to look at and let go of some more things in the past.

Pretty sure I can get the whole title on this cover art.

…….But in one inappropriate burst of genius, I titled our future self-published, yet somehow still wildly unsuccessful marriage book How to Get Back in Bed with ONLY Your Spouse Tonight (and Maybe the Holy Spirit if that doesn’t freak you out too much….) Here’s what I do know today. While he and I are healing from the trauma of our sexual pasts, we are also living right now as a fairly happily married couple. Intimacy requires effort, especially on my part, and if it’s not intentional, it’s not happening. And trust me, it is worth the effort to pursue real intimacy with your spouse.

Chelsea Finds Jesus