Disposable. Everything in my life has been disposable. People, jobs, plates, ziplocks… me. I really only decided my marriage was not disposable within the last 2 years. I spent a decade of my life with someone that I was just waiting or one of us to leave. In fact, I was so sure of the idea that I was disposable, I tested my husband with alcohol abuse, verbal abuse, and total neglect. I gave him every opportunity to toss me out, every reason to throw it all away.
But he didn’t grow up in a home full of crumpled promises, paper plates, or disposable people. He made a commitment to his marriage many years before I was even a willing participant in it. He continued to show up for Jesus, for me, for our family, when divorce was the only logical thing he should have done. And in doing so, he showed me how Christ would love me.
Even now, I struggle with the “throw it all away” reaction to any situation that makes me uncomfortable, any time that I feel like I am losing a battle or that the cost is too high, anytime that real change or growth is on the table from God for me to take hold of…nope. I’m out. This is too hard. I quit. And just like that, I am ready to give up on all kinds of things in my life. I’m ready to throw in the towel in my ministry position, I’m ready to quit my small group, I’m applying for jobs and mentally preparing to send the kids back to public school, I start thinking a drink sounds good, I’m about to delete my entire site and never write again… Things have been really intense in our house the last week, and my husband and I had a couple big fights. The enemy has been throwing flaming arrows of our past, our shame, our fear, our insecurity, and we were not ready for the battle. And my husband voiced my struggle to me tonight when he explained, “You are always ready to throw it all away. You are willing to destroy the progress you have made rather than feel or deal with things.” Listen, I know how crazy I sound when I see it in black in white. But my mind and my heart are not so easy to understand, and these lies about my value and other people’s worth to me run deep.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.”
Hebrews 12:1 NLT
I was randomly searching Amazon for reusable ziplock bags last week (because I honestly had no idea at the time that God was about to use this image of ziplocks to drop some major revelation on me)… and then I started to think about how to handle church with new staff. When you have multiple children, you tend to meet more of the staff. And I love my church (and I hate change) so I was mentally taking laps around potential situations, conflicts, creating preemptive orchestrations of multiple people to prevent issues that I imagined would eventually arise…. I was suddenly poised for battle as I stared down at my Amazon cart. Wait, what? I had to remind myself that my enemies are not flesh and blood, nor do I have to hold out until someone eventually leaves. I need to approach this with the idea of entering into a loving relationship with each of them as Christ would have me be. I should want these people to be a part of my church life, and I have to give them a chance to grow on me…like a fungus, maybe.
“Dear brothers and sisters, honor those who are your leaders in the Lord’s work. They work hard among you and give you spiritual guidance. Show them great respect and wholehearted love because of their work. And live peacefully with each other.”
1 Thessalonians 5:12-13 NLT
So, the hard part I am having with the whole situation (other than the clearly unhinged train of thought this whole thing is turning out to be) is that sometimes, I get an immediate, intense and overwhelming physical sensation when I meet people, and I make a snap judgement (assessment, per my medical credentials) about them that is incredibly hard for me to change. I have been known to tell my husband, “I don’t like that person. At all. I don’t want to be near them. I know I don’t know them, I am just telling you, I don’t like them.” My poor husband, y’all.
The problem here is that sometimes I’m only attuned to something situational or transitory, and a month later, the feeling has gone, but the memory and assessment (judgement) remains. I have had to learn that sometimes my spirit is set alive by other spiritual people (this whole thing sounds a little kooky, but I am trying to be honest). Extreme spiritual situations or extremely spiritual people affect me on a physical level, and my safety net for my whole life has been snap judgements and total rebuffing of anyone that set those alarms off. I had no words or understanding for it, and only now am I trying to give shape to these thoughts. The end result is that I have had to change my stance on immediate judgements of people, especially at church. I mean, I still have a mental list going of people I totally knew were trouble when they walked in. But I also have another list of “Oh, totally missed that one. Epically wrong.”
For example, one of my favorite women in the world made me so physically uncomfortable when I met her that I swore I would never be part of a small group at “her” house (Their house was the first small group I eventually became part of, and the relationships that blossomed from their group changed our family’s trajectory in Christ). The Holy Spirit told me this week to make sandwiches for her family as part of a meal train for them. I know, I get some weird messages these days. But I just try to follow those little spirit-led bunny trails and see where He takes me. Y’all, really…Who gets told to make a bunch of ziplock sandwiches and check on your friend at a future date? Me, apparently. And I don’t even know when I am supposed to do this exactly, but I have a pretty obvious window of time that I need to be aware of God meeting a need for my friend through me. THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I WAS PREPARED TO HAVE HAPPEN IN MY LIFE. To be aware of God’s ability to use me, and to be obedient to the opportunities He puts before me, even the weird ones. Even when my flesh wants to quit, or run away.
Thank you, God, for being bigger than my human feelings, and not letting me miss out on these relationships due to my own shortcomings. Thank you for choosing to use me to do Your work in the life of someone who cared for me so well over the last year. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be obedient to You, and for your faithfulness to me even when I am willful or oblivious to Your direction. Thank you for letting me see the fruits of obedience and the blessings You love to give Your children.
These women I met in small group were not part of my social circles, nor would they be in my life under other circumstances, except Jesus put us together. Instead of being limited by our different situations, these people were part of each other’s lives beyond whatever tied them together. Or rather, because of what ties them together- Jesus. These weren’t fleeting interactions between people I would have to see at church, on the ball fields, the friends you have due to close proximity, either. There are great baseball moms, and band moms, and dance moms, and homeschool moms, but what these women were inviting me into was their real, whole lives. Not just the persona who showed up for an hour each week. This was a village of women (and men, but that’s not my story to tell) raising each other up, spurring each other toward progress, showering each other love, because Christ commanded it. Because I have felt so free with them, walking in obedience to God by saying Yes to church and yes to friendships and yes to people…. Because I continued to put myself in a place to be with the same women over and over, and they treated me with compassion and respect, encouraged me, and listened and spoke truth in love to me, because they invested in my growth, I no longer keep them at arms’ length waiting for them to just disappear from my life. Or tossing them out when it gets messy. For the first time that I can remember, I have people that don’t have a “Best By” date on them.
Now I have a choice to make. Do I treat new people as though I will toss them aside one day? Do I wait to see if they will disappear or keep them at arms’ length until they prove themselves? Or do I fully invest in those people that are showing up for Jesus and for my family? Do I cultivate relationships now that will be revealed as blessings later? W.W.J.D., right?
So, today I choose to invest in some reusable bags for my kids’ snacks because I am tired of contributing to my own lie that everything is disposable. Today I choose to throw out my old way of thinking about people, and to throw focus on my marriage, and to find ways to shower love on fellow believers. I want to invest in the future of my church, and more importantly, I want to invest in the people who have invested in my family. I want my friend to know that she has someone on call who will show up for rescue and relief when she is recovering, I want my church staff to succeed and flourish because that overflows into my life, my friends, my family, my children’s friends…. I do not want disposable relationships to shape my children’s lives in the way it has mine. I want them to see what long-term commitment to healthy relationships can look like, at home, in our church, and in our friends. I guess today that looks like sandwiches with friends in reusable bags, listening for the Spirit to guide me, and hanging on to the people who are in it with me.
Father God, thank You for seeing my value, even when I did not. Thank you for my husband, who stayed true to Your teaching, before I knew You. Thank you for the revelation that other people are not disposable, and are also valuable to You. Jesus, I ask that you bless our church’s staff with peace during this transition, that they would feel Your overwhelming love as they navigate uncharted waters of so many families’ needs and wants. I ask also that you supernaturally bless my friend with healing, that her pain is short-lived and manageable, that the doctors should be amazed at her recovery and results. Allow her spirit to rest as her body does, and help me be aware of when she needs a friend, so that I may meet her needs through your power. Holy Spirit, guide me as I endeavor to be more like You. Give me words to affirm whatever it is You are doing in someone’s life, so that through me You can touch their heart. Holy Spirit, correct me quickly when my flesh wants to recoil from connection, continue to push me to care for people when I want to push them away. Allow Your love and grace for others to overflow from me, and let it spread to others in my circle, so that we can see the fruits of this in our lives, and in our children, and in our church. Jesus, You are doing mighty things in the heart of Texas, and I pray for the future of my church, for the future of my family, my marriage, our friends, and for the future fruits that will come from abiding in You. Amen.
“Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.”
Galatians 5:25 NLT
Chelsea Finds Jesus 
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