3/14/23- Well, today has been a real kick in the teeth. I had a phone interview with a travel nursing recruiter. To prep for that, I decided to gather my certifications and make sure my onboarding paperwork was at least at my disposal. Guess what? I don’t have proof of two of my basic certifications. As in, I will have to take BLS and ACLS again. And pay for them. Again. Toss in my general belief that I don’t have what it takes to work in a big hospital, that I already am failing my kids, that my husband isn’t capable of managing them effectively on a routine basis (that’s not true; he just doesn’t do it the way I want, so that’s also a me problem.), and all I can see are huge obstacles in my path. The recruiting call just added more weight to this, because my expectation was for some control of my schedule, but that was shot down pretty quickly, and definitely would create new issues with logistics at home and with caring for G and the Middles, causing even more strife and anxiety because of my husband’s immovable schedule. So, all I see are slammed doors here.
The worst part is that I miss nursing. I miss being able to think critically and quickly, and being able to take care of sick people. I may have been burnt out at my last job, but I love real nursing, and I don’t want to lose everything I have learned. Here’s my fear: if I don’t set foot back into a hospital in the next 6 months, I will never be able to get back in the door. My specialty board certification will expire, and I won’t bother to keep it. I will never have the IV or injection skills I wanted, that translate to sexier nurse jobs using Botox or lasers and being a boss (not that I want to do those jobs, just that those nurses drive BMWs and have eyelash extensions and I can’t afford either of those things). I will end up a bitter old nurse working at the nursing home at 65 years old because I am broke and sad I never did anything with my license. It will be too late for me to pursue the dream I had of being a flight nurse. That chance will likely be gone if I don’t start advancing emergency medicine training for myself and soon. I was only one year and step away from the experience I needed to be a strong candidate. But then baby G showed up, and everything changed. And now that the overwhelming joy of that pregnancy is over (hell, the first year of his life is over), I am feeling that longing for nursing again. I miss the challenges and experiences of working together with other professionals to guide the plan of care and change outcomes for patients. I miss connecting the dots before something goes wrong, and I miss the feeling of satisfaction after a crisis, because I knew my actions made a difference. I miss connecting with patients and easing fears about diagnoses and teaching them how to manage their health and being a calming presence in a crisis and a safe person to share their story with.
My poor friends are getting the brunt (benefit?) of my need to be a nurse. I am always at the ready to check in after a baby is born, or someone texts me about a weird pain in their side, or they have one little episode of hypoglycemia that almost killed them in front of me….I am always up to talk to you about ear infections and cholesterol levels or bring you the best laxatives or breast milk supplements or glucose tabs. I got you, friend.
I was really hopeful that a contract job would cure that need to be a nurse- I could work hard in a hospital for 3 months, taking every new skill opportunity and learning from a whole new pool of other professionals, really adding to the value of an interdisciplinary team with my knowledge and experience and intuitive thinking. I am good at helping people, and I was even getting good at helping really sick people. I have it in me to be a kick-ass critical care nurse, but I am losing that confidence daily. I am afraid I will never have the courage to start over, because I already am anxious about my abilities now, and it’s been less than a year. I say a contract would be perfect, because I would only be committed for 12 weeks, long enough to remember the love, but not so long as to be reminded of the bureaucracy and bullshit that wears you down. So, why, God? Why can’t I have this? Why are these doors being slammed on me, why am I only hearing “No” at every stop on this path? Is it time for me to lay down this dream? Or is now the time that I fight for it? Do I push back against the door for travel nursing? Do I revive my dream of being a flight nurse? Or do You have something better for me that I haven’t asked or imagined yet?
“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.”
Ephesians 3:20 NLT
Adding to my utter disappointment today, I quickly looked up my plan B job (a local home health who had already hired me on paper and approved my Covid exemption, but I declined the offer at the time)….. they always have open positions. Always. Not today, baby. Even my old job has no current openings. Seriously, the two places in the back of my mind that I always could fall back on if I needed a job have huge No Vacancy signs out front!
So, why did I quit my last job in the first place? Well, because God told me to. No, that’s not actually correct. I went back to work after G was born because I used all kinds of PTO/FMLA/Short Term Disability (not using that acronym) to allow me to take 3 months of maternity leave, and I didn’t want to be sued if I didn’t return to work as I agreed to. But it was awful, for everyone involved. I clearly remember standing in our critical care unit, after taking a phone call during the middle of the shift from my husband because something fell through the cracks with our schedules and the kids and I felt responsible for the whole situation. “Why isn’t this working, God?” And He clearly said to me, “Because you are supposed to be running your home.” I also had the mental impression that I am supposed to be the captain of my boat, and my home is my boat. The little people there are my crew, and I felt like they were adrift without me. I knew then that I had to quit my job and focus on my family for a while. I even took it to mean that I was supposed to homeschool two of our kids, and did that this year (but not well, because you really have to do something badly for a while before you get good at it).
But did God actually tell me to quit my job and homeschool my kids? No. I thought He wanted me to find fulfillment in being a wife and mom, to see that it is enough to just be that. And since my Word from God last fall was “You are Enough”, I felt like I had to learn that I was Enough just as I am. But what if wife and mother isn’t enough for me? What if I got the message wrong? What if I missed something because I didn’t see it? What if staying home has hurt my kids in the long run? Or will hurt them if I continue to stay here? Because trust me, I suck at being a good mom more days than not. ***Ok, I’m going to stop myself right here, because even I recognize that last sentence is a damn lie. I rebuke the lie that I am not a good mom, in Jesus’ name.
Here’s where I am now: I have tried the simple life, and I feel like it’s not for me. I miss being a nurse. I love my children, but I will never have the drive to be Suzy Homemaker, and I worry I may end up faking my kids’ high school transcripts just to get them out of the house. I don’t think that’s what I am supposed to do. But are these boulders in my path back to nursing because I am not supposed to go back to that dream or because I haven’t learned the lesson God has for me here yet? Do I still need to learn how to be Enough? What does Enough look like to You? What does Enough look like to me? What are you teaching me here and now, God? Speak, your servant is listening.
Chelsea Finds Jesus 
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