Here I was sailing merrily along, announcing I was ready for a storm, trying to mentally prepare myself for what I figured was going to a fight brought to my door by the outside world. I even felt like God was telling me to batten down and pull closer to my family in preparation. But what hit us was a week of sickness with the kids, resulting in more isolation from our usual community and time in fellowship, and the insidious return of old habits and thought patterns. That’s enough to really take the wind out of your sails, isn’t it?
I started to feel stifled by my toddler’s coughing and clinginess by day two, and each new child’s cough and complaint became a cacophony of sounds that never stopped. I call it being assaulted by words when my kids are in my bubble and won’t shut up. And with a sick toddler, a huge part of my day was spent cuddling or nursing or carrying said toddler to avoid screaming fits. I want so badly for my husband to get any sleep he can, so every shriek, wail, slammed door or argument escalation set me on edge. We missed our usual Wednesday night church routine, I felt trapped in my house, I needed to quiet my mind and I couldn’t. I couldn’t hear the Holy Spirit and I was running on my own propulsion, going nowhere. I am now beginning to recognize that I was actually being bombarded with sounds and lights and sleep disruptions and psychological torture by my own family. For days and days, even if it was unintentional. But with no rest, and no refresh, it gets to you. Motherhood is no freaking joke, y’all. And I love my family and they love me. But this world we live in is chaotic at best, and evil at worst. And as the dishes and laundry piled up, I found myself resenting everything around me, and resenting myself for my failures.
I feel like I have a million unanswered questions about why I am the way I am, and I am tired of relegating them to the files of “faith” and “genetics”, especially when I feel so adrift from both places. I know I want to be a better me, but what does that take? Take meds, use supplements, change diet, pray more, be totally sober and medication free, seek therapy, seek God, let it go, dig it up. And what’s the cost?
I feel like a failure. I am caught in this net of hoping that I can do better, that I am only a breakthrough away from being the mother and wife I want to be. I am not going to a counselor right now, wasting time and money. I’m scared to ever take anti-depressants again, because my own history has been so negative with them, and I am never medication compliant, so I would never get the full benefit of them. Besides, shouldn’t I be able to be healed if I just did more? If I truly took care of myself the way I should, wouldn’t that eliminate so many of my issues? My diet is poor, my finances are poor, pretty sure my body hates dairy and gluten but I chew on, I hate being outside or walking, and I eat all the foods banned overseas and in most of my friends’ homes (I’m looking at you, Vienna Sausages).
I am tangled in the snares of comparison and destructive self-talk, of mothering failures, of cussing when I am frustrated, of vaping when I want a moment to refocus, of eating when the world doesn’t go my way, of thinking of a drink when my husband pisses me off again, of berating myself when my teenager is upset with me, of giving up when the middles fight me, of giving in to temptation…. I am isolating, I am wasting money, I am building resentments, I am pulling away from my community….
Full-stop on my connection with the Holy Spirit. Which landed me here Sunday, crying and alone with snot-encrusted nipples and a sweaty toddler clutching my shirt and crushing Goldfish into my dirty yoga pants.
This is what my husband saw when he woke up last Sunday afternoon. Y’all pray for that man. I guess I required a breakdown before I could find a breakthrough. I had fallen back into relying on myself, feeling shame about myself and disappointment with my circumstances, and I brought out all my old tools to cope with those lies and to relieve that pain. What I found is that all my old tools are worthless to me now, because none of them included God.
Sometimes you fail and sometimes you suck, but those are things you do, not things you are. You are a child of God, a disciple of Christ, and it’s messy because you came into this as a real person.
-My Husband
As usual, perspective comes with time and consideration, but isn’t that what I am looking for on the backside of last week? I made a declaration that I was ready to face a storm not of my own making, and all it took was a shift change and an upper respiratory infection to stall me out completely, leaving me a sitting duck for the enemy.
Stalled out in my recliner for days, waiting for time to pass, it was easy to tune out the Muppets and Elmo and Kipper and the kids, but I also tuned out my friends and God too. And that’s how I found myself in the doldrums. I stopped seeking God, because there was nothing going on that required my immediate prayer attention. I wasn’t talking to anyone, and I forgot to even talk to God in those times. I was stuck home with sick kids and a sleeping husband, and I sought silence, but didn’t find peace. I was doing nothing, and it made me crazy.
Muppet Sing-Along
Being homebound for more than 3 days straight was a nightmare for my mental health. Cabin fever kicked in, the walls started closing in, and I didn’t have a plan in place for rescue, because I didn’t ask my Abba Father for help. I didn’t shower for days, and so didn’t find my time alone with God there. I wasn’t baking in the kitchen, so the Holy Spirit couldn’t meet me there. I had a week of opportunities to spend more time with God, but I didn’t seek Him in the doldrums. I sat stagnant, and my connection to the Holy Spirit became stagnant as well. Inactivity was weakening me, physically and spiritually.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.”
Ephesians 6:10-11 NASB1995
It’s easy to forget, or maybe it’s hard to grasp… either way, I struggle to remember that I am in a battle. This is no place to sit passively waiting for God to deliver me from temptation. I am told to Be STRONG in the Lord. I am told to put on armor, I must stand firm against an opponent who wants to steal kill and destroy.
“Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
Ephesians 6:14-17 NASB1995
These are the tools He has given me. For almost three years, I have been learning about Jesus and the character of God and His promises for me and the purpose He has for me. He has been equipping me for the last two years to trust Him, to move beyond just being grateful for my salvation. He has called me to step out in faith and He has given me direction and discernment and He has honored my obedience to Him repeatedly and wonderfully. He has been faithful when I earnestly seek Him, and has rewarded my study of His Word by calling verses and words to my mind when I have an opportunity to share them. I know the blessing of spending time with my God, what it does for me, and the ripple effect that it has on my life. I may have failed this test at first glance, but I don’t feel like a failure on this side of it. I am grateful that God allowed me to feel the weight of taking responsibility for things that are not mine to hold, because He wants me to let them go. I am so grateful that He showed me the places where I am weak, where I have been ill-prepared for battle. He has revealed the biggest gap in my spiritual life, and convicted me of it. I am to be the one pursuing Him now. He pursued me and covered me and saved me, and I want to be obedient to Him. I don’t want to miss out on what He has for me because I was too undisciplined to pray consistently or too proud to ask for help.
God, I repent of the ways I did not trust You, of the opportunities I missed because I did not seek You first. I am not responsible for all the negative things that happen in my life or in my family’s life. I am releasing that control back to You, because Your plans are better than anything I could imagine. You are big enough to have a plan that allows my failures to be included without changing the outcome for those I love. You are bigger than my inadequacies. Jesus, in Your name, I rebuke the lies that attack my identity, the lies that say I am not enough or that I am failing as a wife and a mother. Jesus, help me to bring Your truth to mind when I hear the lies. Holy Spirit, make me hate the lie. Make the lies bitter, so that I spit them out, and make Your Word sweet like honey, so that I crave it more. Break down the walls that I use to keep people away, and use me as a vessel to share hope and truth about Your goodness. Take my failures, and turn them to good. Show me the value in the suffering, so that I can comfort someone else. You have fed me and sheltered me and taught me, and You are asking me now to go and do the same for others. I cannot be unprepared, because the battle is here. I know I am victorious because You are victorious, but I must live in that victory. I am called to action, to battle, to persevere, to worship, to pray, to repent, to walk hand-in-hand with Your Spirit. God, thank you for Cultivate and for the community of believers that You have surrounded me with. Thank You for making me willing today. Thank you for showing me the value in pressing on, in doing the practical things that keep me close to You. Thank you for all the people who spoke to me this week while I tried to understand what I was feeling. Thank you for sending me people who were struggling with the same thoughts. Thank You for giving me a word, then bringing that same word to me through multiple people. Thank You for the gentle reminders that I am writing to glorify You, to honor Your work in my life, and that my part in that is to be honest, hopeful, and not quit. You can only work through me if I am willing to work. I am ready, God, for You to set me into motion again. I welcome Your plans, and I will seek You again and again. You are my armor, my shelter, and I am held safely in Your hands. Amen.
Chelsea Finds Jesus 
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