I have a love/hate relationship with alcohol. I love how it changes the way I feel, but I hate the consequences of my drinking. I no longer drink and drive, and I cannot say exactly why that is, suffice it to say that I do not drink in places where driving home is a possibility anymore.
But is that really good enough when I am alone (or feel that way when I am with my family) and the desire to drink hits me? Is it good enough to say I am not getting DWIs when I am not present for my own life? “No!” I can safely say that, after years of trying to be a normal social drinker, I still struggle with my relationship with alcohol.
Wouldn’t that mean that I should desire to abstain completely from the thing that causes me so much discomfort? I mean, seriously, why do I still want a drink after all these years? Because drinking is my way of coping with the feelings that I don’t have words for, for the feelings that I do not like, and for the feelings that I want (at all costs) to avoid. What feels like freedom from emotions, is a prison of continuing to live this existence tethered to stumbling block. And I continue to feel alone, isolated by this secret, ashamed of my weakness, and disturbed by my unwillingness to fight against it some days.
This is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil. For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God.
John 3:19-21 NASB
I suppose that is the key to winning this battle… that I have to bring it into the light, to expose the darkness and the weakness to God and to others. I have lived in this dark prison for two decades now; half my life I have had an affair with alcohol, and it has caused me far more pain and destruction that the moments of relief or temporary happiness that it provides. And yet, I have been unwilling to let it go. I have clung to the bottle as it tore apart my relationships, as it threatened to destroy my career, as it nearly killed me in a car accident that I could have easily died in. All this pain, and yet, I still answer when alcohol calls my name. But God has called me now, and I am His. His arms are the ones I long to fall into, held safely in His mercy and grace.
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
Isaiah 43:1
I have called you by name; you are Mine! – Yaweh
Anxiety, depression, anger, and fear are the constant companions of alcohol, though I often delude myself into believing that alcohol soothes each of them. Reality says that I am only masking them, avoiding them, and with the affair ends, I am left once again with myself, broken and ashamed. I have to recognize that I will continue to live with these emotions, with or without the alcohol. I have to be willing to feel each of these as I walk with God. And more than that, I have to dig into the feelings of my past, to examine those parts of me that I have hidden from the world, that I have hidden from myself, so that I can expose them to the light as well. I have to be willing to search for the wound that feeds these feelings, so that I can ask God to heal me. I have to be willing to want freedom. And I have to recognize that it will hurt trying to cut out such a deep wound, but that God promises me healing and a better future on the other side of the pain, and I have to know that it will be worth it. That’s where I have been stuck. I cannot see the outcome, and I don’t want to face the pain.
I will be forty this year… it’s time to see what the Holy Spirit has for me. No formulas, no fear, just the possibility of His promises being made real in my life. Imagine reading something straight off a page in the Bible, and believing that God is speaking to you directly. Like, in ways that I never understood before, but I have to understand are true, even if I can’t quite believe it all yet. Where is He calling my name? What part of me would You grow into something beautiful for Your garden- am I a dancing flower full of compassion and healing touch? Or would You sharpen me for battles and words, purifying me through hard experience and winning victories for me that I could never win alone? Reveal that to me, confirm it with words from those I trust, my Lord.
But until I am willing to touch the issues underlying my drinking compulsion, until I am willing to address this sometimes rebellious self-destructive decision-making, until I am willing to trust that Jesus will come through in new and unexpected ways, until I am willing to be accountable to someone else, I can’t be healed from this. Until I am willing to say out loud, publicly, that I am going to abstain from alcohol and see if Jesus and I can have some conversations about it. “If you will fast and pray, I will show up” I hear Him speak to me…
He is offering me a “Walk upon the waters” level faith, but has set a price at abstinence. This is going to cause ripples and break open old wounds in my relationship with my husband, and I must trust in His process as I am in process… but this is also going to cause ripples in the fabric of my friendships, creating new bonds and closeness, restructuring but not removing people in our lives. I see that clearly in this moment. Those changes and reactions are for God to work out, and my choice now is for my relationship with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.
Hebrews 12:1 NLT
It is time to face myself, to shine a light into the dark corners of my heart and mind, and give God all those things that I trip over in the darkness. I cannot do it alone, and I will no doubt stumble on the road to freedom. I have known the comforting arms of alcohol longer than I have known God, and walking away from an abusive relationship is never easy. But I also know that my story of survival, battle, failure, and my future testimony of freedom will be used to glorify God, and that is where I place my hope.
Lord, let my life be a testimony to Your goodness and power, my victory a beacon of hope for someone who I don’t even know yet. Let me be an example of how You have the power to break any chain, and that You are with me every step. Lord, when alcohol calls my name again, let me call upon You. When alcohol calls my name, let me call on a friend for encouragement. When alcohol calls my name, let me remember that I am no longer bound to answer, but that you have redeemed me already, and I have victory in Jesus. I am ready to be used by God, and I must be ready when He calls on me.
Chelsea Finds Jesus 
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