Chelsea Finds Jesus

I have spent months without writing a single thought down on this blog. I put the whole project on the shelf and went on with my life. Honestly, I scarcely missed it, but I also know that God has given me words to share… and this is probably the only place that I have the freedom to work through my words and edit and adjust them before sharing them with other people. Lord knows I wish I had the edit button when I am in conversation with other people, when my words come too quickly and sharply, or when my face betrays my thoughts and I wish I had the chance to consider carefully my next move as the words tumble from my mouth. Truly, God gives me so many opportunities to share words that can be encouraging, edifying, and spiritually enriching, but at times I am left thinking I was useless but funny, far too mean, or I missed the opportunity because I couldn’t find words in the moment.

Whatever.

Words. I want them to again mean something. To be useful, to be funny, to be enlightening, to be understandable, to have a purpose…. Jeez, I’m wishing for a purpose. How quaint.

So, let’s talk about life. I live in Texas. It’s 1000 degrees outside right now. I dropped my oldest kid off at college yesterday, spent today taking my grandmother to doctor appointments while wrangling the remaining three kids, and tomorrow is the first day of school….oh, and my toddler is firmly opposed to potty training. How’s that for life? Let’s not forget that I am counseling people through my church, a friend lost her teenager to suicide a week ago, I have gained 15 pounds in the last year, and my desire to drink has not subsided in the last 12 months (probably 12 years, if I am really honest).

Listen, life isn’t horrible. Honestly, I feel better about my life today than I did a decade ago….I now have dreams of grandchildren and traveling with my husband and sitting on porch rockers and listening to the cicadas while I sip coffee.

Daydreams. Whatever.

Here’s the thing. I haven’t given up. That’s the part that matters. Each day I choose to keep existing, even if that means the best choice I made was to continue breathing, means that I have another opportunity to do the work for Jesus. Each day that I continue in this plane of existence is a day that Jesus can use my life, to use my struggles and victories as a way to shine a light into the darkness that creeps into the souls and lives of those that hurt…I struggle and I can testify to the realities of those struggles. I live and testify to the goodness of life. My words have God-given power as a being made perfect in Christ while being perfected in this life. This duality should not be surprising, as complexity is one of the most beautiful aspects of life.

So here is my duality: I am not the same as I once was, but I am not who I could be. I am still Chelsea, who should have died years ago from drugs or alcohol, who wasted a brilliant brain and opportunity because I had no coping skills to handle life. But I am also Chelsea, who feels deeply for people who others dismiss, who catches glimpses of the divine in unexpected moments. I am Chelsea, who is a nurse, a mother, a wife, a friend, a counselor, a student, a lover, an adversary, a confidant, a unique soul creature whom God has good plans for… I am the same, yet so different.

I am not lost, I am found.

Jesus, I promised that if You gave me words, I would use them. I have been using them in curated moments with people seeking You, and I am grateful that You have used those moments to draw people closer to Your truth, to You. But I ask now, Lord, give me the resolution and persistence to draw words from my own inner turmoil and place them on a page no matter who reads them. Allow me the opportunity to search and seek and edit and move and dive into the streams of thinking that outflow into words of encouragement and truth and love… words that glorify You.

Lord, I ask for an overflowing of words, of thoughts and trains of thought, of beautiful examples and ridiculous hyperboles, of cautious warnings and painful exposés, of the truths that only You know and want to share… my life is Yours, my words are but a reflection of what I have allowed You to do in my life.