Or Miracles are for Today
It’s been a while since I drank. I’m not holding onto a sobriety date, because I know in my heart that it will be an idol, a date that I will associate with my own power to stay away from alcohol, rather than a date that I will associate with God’s power to free me from the bondage of addiction. Weird, right? So many long-sober people I know wear their sobriety date as a badge of pride, and yet, I know that it is not good for me to focus on a date. The enemy whispers that I don’t want a date because I know I will eventually fail again, and then people will know I failed. I have had rock-bottom days in my past, and yet, I don’t feel like I’m crawling out of one of those pits today. I have been walking with the Holy Spirit for a while now, and He has been casually, gently, lovingly, walking me out of the darkness for that same time. This has been like the dawn approaching when you have been walking in the dark, and suddenly look around to realize it is light all around you and you had scarcely noticed the subtle shift in your surroundings. Thank You, Jesus.
Over the summer, I attended training through a ministry at my church focused on physical healing. This is so far outside my comfort zone that I chose to attend only to improve my own prayer abilities. Truly, when I started, I had no real hope that I would ever heal someone except through the miracle of modern medicine. Honestly, I felt like God reserved those miracles for third-world countries where His Word needed the power of miracles to be received. My biggest hope was that I would be able to pray for someone in a way that allowed them to feel seen and loved by God, no matter the outcome of the prayer time. I prayed for my own healing from the desire to drink, and asked God to remove the desire, to allow me to never think of alcohol with longing again. He didn’t answer me in those moments, and I fought against the urges, sometimes winning, sometimes not. He wasn’t answering my prayer for complete healing, a sudden miracle. Better to stay focused on helping and praying for others, and accept that alcohol will be a thorn in my side for life.
Fast forward to September. I’m standing in the shower, my favorite place to have wandering discussions with the Lord, and I posed a real question to Him. What am I going to do when I want to drink next time? I was reviewing my mental calendar of the upcoming week, and I knew which days and times were going to be a problem for me… the times when I had no work or church commitments, when my husband was at work, when I was isolated. How am I going to make it through those moments? And He answered me then, “Depend on Me in that moment.”
Depend on Jesus in that moment. Sounds simple, right? Not for me. I have to learn to depend on him in each and every moment. He is asking me to depend on him for the specific moment, in every moment that I want to drink, for always and forever. He is not offering to wipe away my memory or take my desire for alcohol. He has something more important for me than the miracle I asked for. He has already begun giving me freedom through church, times and places to avoid the temptation. I’m not drinking when I have church on Sunday, or when I am going to Wednesday night Bible study, or when I am counseling someone through our ministry. But He clearly is offering Himself to me in the times in-between, when I don’t have power to say no. And He won’t fail me. He asks me to depend on Him, and my obedience to that request will give me victory.
How am I going to help Him in His Kingdom? How is He going to use me if I can keep away from alcohol? The thought hits me: Maybe that’s what I am already doing, and the victory I need to celebrate right now. I’m active in His church and that gives me an outlet for temptation. I am praying for people, seeking new opportunities for training in ministry, counseling people through HCF Freedom, making friends with the stereotypical older church ladies, and being open and honest in my relationships. I am at work in His Kingdom. I am building my life around Him, filling my calendar with opportunities to minister and be ministered to, and prioritizing all this above my own desires. He is able to use me, because I am fitting my life into His Kingdom plans, not just fitting Jesus into my Sunday morning when it doesn’t get in the way of my other plans.
I guess I just need more of Jesus than some other people. He created me… a person who takes things to the extreme, and before I knew Him, that meant that I took emotions, drugs, sex, control, eating, drinking…. everything to the extreme. But now? Now I am learning that He wants me to take dependence on Him to the extreme, because He is always there for me, and I am never too much for Him. And the greatest part of that? He gives me more as I pursue Him. As I trust Him, listen to Him, lean into what He is asking of me, I find new revelations about Him, about His love for me, and about the power and authority that He has given me. I don’t think I will ever be content with a passing relationship with Jesus, with a casual knowledge of Him as Savior. Not anymore, not after everything I have experienced in the last few years.
I ask Him, “What can You see for my future?” Grand things, but it’s in trusting Me moment by moment, and building faith through relationship with Me. I had a fleeting image of myself on a mission trip, working as a nurse, and then laying hands on someone, praying and seeing them miraculously healed. What would I do with something like that? How would I respond to witnessing a miracle?
I ask Him, “Do I actually want to heal the sick?” I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that God did not answer that question. More than anything, I got the sense that I need to sit with that question for a while, decide for myself, because my ability hinges on my faith, and I am only just learning what faith looks like for me.
And this brings me to the final part of my story: God gave me the chance this week to find out.
I was at work, and had the opportunity to visit with a patient’s family member, who shared about what the Holy Spirit had been doing in their life, and I shared some of what He was doing through our church. It was a honest connection, and I felt at ease with this person. Later in the day, this family member approached me at the nurse’s station, and asked me if I would pray for them, as they struggle with migraines, and felt one coming on. Before I could form my own thoughts or listen to a whisper from the enemy saying I can’t do this, I heard myself say, “Of course!” and I found myself standing in the hallway of a hospital, asking if I could lay hands on this person whom I had only met this morning. I stood there, and prayed with authority, knowing that my God hears me, and that asking Him to heal this person was in line with His character, and believing in that moment that He would do it. I pushed out the thoughts of embarrassment that someone else may see what I was doing, and stayed focused on the person in front of me, who needed a miracle in that moment. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and then travel down my arms to my hands, which is when the person shuddered under my hands and said out loud, “Whoa. Tell me you felt that.” Y’all. I certainly did. I almost laughed because it was so overwhelmingly obvious that the Holy Spirit had just touched us both, in the middle of a random hospital hallway, because in that moment, we both had the faith to believe He would. The person told me the headache was gone, and I thanked God, returning to my regularly scheduled life, knowing I am unlikely to ever see this person again, but grateful for the divine appointment we had that day. And what am I doing with this miracle? I’m testifying to it. I suppose that’s really what I have been doing with this entire post… testifying to what miracles look like in my life today.
So I guess that answers my question “Do I really want to heal the sick?”. I guess I do. He will never fail me, and I can scarcely imagine what life will look like a year from now, knowing that I am walking with Jesus, and that His Kingdom is here, now, and we are invited to participate in it. Miracles are happening, people are being set free, and I am going to tell people what Jesus is doing.
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the Lord’s favor has come.”
Luke 4:18-19
Chelsea Finds Jesus 
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