So much has changed in the last two years, and yet so much hasn’t. I accidentally started a Bible study group with two women I was in AA with years ago (I suppose this is one of the last positive experiences to come from my attachment to social media). I replied to a Facebook post written by one of the ladies and said I would be happy to get together and chat about the subject, and that led to another woman asking to join us, and now I am a few meetings in to Accidental Disciple Coffee (which is what I decided to call it on my calendar entries). Recently when we met, one of them asked, “And can you believe what started all of this? A Facebook post about God that I was brave enough to make.” And I replied with a bit of self-reflection, “I would have said that it started because I got a DWI and ended up in AA.” And in an instant, the Holy Spirit spoke to me, “And this is how I turn all things to good.” For the first time, I can now look back on what I put my family through in 2017, and see how God is now being glorified through my life uniquely because of my past mistakes and my current acts of submission and obedience to Him.
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28 NASB
I declare that I am not going to be satisfied with the whitewashed version of Western/American/Southern Christianity that makes people in my life more comfortable, and that the Church around the world prays that I wake up from as they are experiencing a completely different spreading of the Gospel. I am not going to be lukewarm in my faith or my life. I have to laugh at the absurdity of my own statement, knowing what the disciples were able to do in the name of Jesus is beyond the capabilities of my faith right now. I have no faith that my story will include me in a foreign land healing the sick en masse, even as I read stories of people doing just that. Maybe I will be giving vaccines in a clinic in Africa one day, but even that feels like a measure of great faith for me. Then again, if I compare my life to anyone else’s (either looking up to or down upon), I will try to see how I measure up against them, and that is not how Jesus wants me to live. Instead, I must choose to continue pursuit of a real, deep, uncomfortable, intimate, and at times terrifying relationship with Jesus that is changing who I am at the core, and trust that He loves me enough to keep my safe even as He molds me on the potter’s wheel into something beautiful in the Kingdom of God. Christianity is not a culture, it is my testimony of a relationship with a Living God who speaks to me, works through me, and loves me as I was, as I am, and as who He sees I can be. And He wants me to talk about it. He keeps reminding me to speak about what He is doing, write it down, don’t lose it.
Nearly two weeks later, I am compelled to write this addition down. On January 3rd, I woke up and decided to drink. I didn’t talk to God about it, and certainly didn’t reach out to any of my friends or my husband, who was at work. It wasn’t a bad morning; I had worked the day before and I took my daughter to volleyball camp, and played with my toddler while we waited. But as soon as we got home, the decision was made in my heart to ruin the rest of the day by checking out of my emotions and drinking. So, I hopped in my car at lunchtime, and drove up to the corner store. As soon as I pulled in, I noticed the car of one of the women from ADC (Accidental Disciple Coffee) was there. I paused, contemplated driving somewhere else, and then decided to proceed with my original plan. But after I ended up in a short conversation with her and another sober member of the AA community, I stood in the store and wrestled with my decision. And then… I bought a soda. And walked out. And started my period that night and understood exactly why I was craving alcohol.
Yay for victory, right? But really, truly, it’s more than I said “No” to alcohol in that moment, more than recognizing that my hormones were driving the bus that day. God gave me a very clear reminder of what I am working on for Him, and that He will help walk me through temptation, if only I will listen in the moment. I recognize the beauty in having someone from AA that I am discipling being in the store at the moment I went to buy alcohol, and I give God all the credit for orchestrating that. He loves me enough to show me the way out, and personalizes His message to me so that I cannot ignore it. It then becomes a battle of my will or His. This is where He asks me to submit, and this is where I had victory. Even my victory isn’t my own; it’s God’s.
“The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.”
1 Corinthians 10:13 NLT
Now, at the time it happened, I knew I had to tell someone about this event, but I also felt shame about my own perceived failing for even being tempted, so I only told my closest friend. And that could be the end of the story, except that here I am two weeks later preparing to publicly declare it. Why? Because I went and floated in a sensory-deprivation tank last week and prayed and meditated and asked God to speak to me and give me words and what His vision for my life looked like.
So much of that conversation is lost to me now, something I simply experienced and felt and knew in my heart was time with the Presence of God. But when I asked Him something about sharing a word with more people, about why I haven’t been receiving opportunities for speaking words of knowledge and my desire to speak prophesy over people He puts in front of me, about why my gifts seem so small right now. He reminded me that until I am willing to share the small moments when He is faithful, until I am faithful in telling people about what He is doing in my life, the gift cannot grow, because He can’t yet trust me with those portions that He has for me in the future. I want a wild, deep, intimate, miraculous, ongoing personal relationship with the Living God, a connection with the Holy Spirit that drives the direction of my life, and I want to have experiences that challenge others to reconsider what it means to follow Jesus in this modern world. But, it requires me to be faithful in this moment to tell how my humanness is ripe for failure, and how Jesus saves me in my daily life, how the Holy Spirit speaks to me, and how much I am loved as I stumble along after Jesus.
And even more brilliantly, I know the character of God well enough now to hear insights into people’s hearts and minds when they speak to me. I can confidently speak truth to them in a moment, and know that I am working in God’s Plan. And all that to say I don’t live in self-loathing or self-destruction these days when I have to visit my past or examine the parts of myself that are still in progress, because Jesus has changed my trajectory and confirms my new path each time He speaks to me.
I absolutely hear from the Holy Spirit, more clearly than ever before, because I know in my heart that I belong to Jesus (John 10:27). My relationship with Him is coming to a place where I hear His Word respond to my negative thoughts, rather than just landing there and burning my life to the ground. And I declare that over you, too. The Holy Spirit is speaking, and if we are willing to listen and respond, there are no limits to what Jesus can accomplish in our hearts and lives.
“My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me;”
John 10:27 NASB1995
Chelsea Finds Jesus 
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